Attachment Styles Aren’t Your Identity. They’re Your Starting Point.
Attachment theory has become a powerful and widely used framework for understanding ourselves and our relationships. It offers language for patterns that once felt confusing—why we pursue, withdraw, overthink, or shut down.
For many people seeking counselling, attachment styles can offer a helpful starting point.
But there’s an important nuance that often gets lost.
In episode #235 of the On Attachment podcast Stephanie Rigg explores this nuance in a grounded and refreshing way: attachment styles are not fixed identities, but adaptive patterns that can shift over time.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles describe how we tend to respond to relational stress, especially in close relationships. The most commonly discussed patterns include:
Anxious attachment (fear of abandonment, seeking reassurance)
Avoidant attachment (pulling away, valuing independence, emotional distancing)
Disorganized Attachment/Fearful-Avoidant (a desire for closeness combined with fear of vulnerability, often resulting in mixed or unpredictable relationship patterns)
Secure attachment (comfort with closeness and autonomy)
These patterns develop in response to early relationships and environments.
For example:
Anxious attachment may form to maintain closeness and connection
Avoidant attachment may develop to manage overwhelm or inconsistency
Disorganized Attachment/Fearful-Avoidant may emerge when relationships feel both safe and unsafe at different times, leading to conflicting impulses to seek connection while also protecting oneself from it.
At one point, these strategies made sense. They were protective.
But they are not permanent.
As highlighted in the podcast, attachment styles exist on a spectrum, are context-dependent, and can shift across relationships and over time.
When Attachment Styles Become Limiting Labels
The challenge arises when we move from:
“This is a pattern I notice in myself”
to
“This is just who I am”
Over-identifying with an attachment style can unintentionally reinforce:
Self-sabotaging relationship patterns
Limiting beliefs about change
A sense of learned helplessness
For example:
“I’m avoidant, so of course I shut down.”
“I’m anxious, so I’ll always overthink relationships.”
These narratives can keep us stuck.
How to Use Attachment Awareness for Growth
Attachment theory is most helpful when it increases self-awareness and choice—not when it boxes you in.
Instead of asking:
What’s my attachment style?
Try asking:
What happens in my nervous system when I feel disconnected?
What is this response trying to protect me from?
What would a slightly more secure response look like right now?
What response would honour both your needs and the relationship?
This approach helps you move toward secure attachment behaviours, even if your default patterns are anxious or avoidant.
Building Earned Secure Attachment
You don’t have to be “born secure” to experience healthy, stable relationships.
Through self-awareness, supportive relationships, and therapy, it’s possible to develop what’s known as earned secure attachment.
This might look like:
Pausing before reacting in conflict
Communicating needs more directly
Tolerating vulnerability without shutting down or escalating
Repairing after disconnection
These are skills, not fixed traits.
A More Compassionate Way to Understand Yourself
Your attachment patterns are not flaws. They are learned responses—ways your system adapted to feel safe, connected, or protected.
And if they were learned, they can be reshaped.
Shifting from judgment to curiosity is often the first step toward change.
When to Consider Counselling for Attachment Patterns
If you notice recurring patterns in your relationships—such as anxiety, emotional distance, difficulty trusting, or fear of abandonment—working with a counsellor can help.
For those based in Vancouver, BC, counselling can provide a supportive space to explore these patterns and begin shifting them in a meaningful way.
Therapy can support you in:
Understanding the origins of your attachment patterns
Regulating your nervous system in moments of stress
Practicing new ways of relating in a safe, supportive space
Moving toward more secure, fulfilling relationships
Approaches like emotionally focused therapy and EMDR can be especially helpful in addressing the underlying experiences that shape these patterns.
If you’ve ever felt boxed in by labels like “anxious” or “avoidant,” this podcast episode offers a more flexible and empowering perspective—one where awareness becomes a pathway to change.
You are not your attachment style. You are someone who learned patterns—and are capable of learning new ones.
If you’re looking for counselling in Vancouver, BC and want support in understanding your attachment patterns, therapy can be a meaningful place to start. Feel free to book a 15-minute consultation call to start this process!
Research References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Recent developments, emerging debates, and future directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 401–422. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010418-102813
Roisman, G. I., Holland, A., Fortuna, K., Fraley, R. C., Clausell, E., & Clarke, A. (2002). The adult attachment interview and self-reports of attachment style: An empirical rapprochement. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 82(3), 367–384. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.82.3.367
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Rigg, S. On Attachment. (2026). [Podcast episode #235]. Apple Podcasts. https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/on-attachment/id1620471393
